The End of the Semester

Three weeks to go.

I have so much sh*# to do.

I would love to say I am going to finish strong.

But I am losing steam.

Dreaming about summer.

Blog posted? Check.

Three more weeks.

When I Grow Up

When we were asked to blog about the work we want to do upon graduating with our EdD, I couldn’t help but think of a similar assignment I had to complete during my masters program. Though I am probably better at articulating my professional goals today, after reading the goals I created for myself over five years ago, I realized very little has changed. My professional goals have always been to ensure all children are learning as much as possible in every grade and that all teachers are effectively trained in order to teach children to mastery. Wherever I can have the greatest impact in these two areas is where I want to be upon graduation.

My ultimate goal is to create a partnership between a university’s teacher education program and a highly effective school district, preferably one that serves disadvantaged students, as this seems to be the setting most first year teachers enter upon graduating.

Though the steps and my roles in achieving this goal are much more involved and intricate, here are the highlights:

1. Elementary teacher- Teach various elementary grades using highly effective and efficient curriculum.
2. Masters- Educational Leadership- principal licensure so I can run a school someday
3. Take on leadership roles within my school- lead teacher, instructional coach to master leadership and working with/training teachers
4. Provide consulting and training to other districts and schools- to get a feel for the implementation across a variety of students and states
5. PhD in education- this will give me initial contact to a university and a teacher education program. It will also build my credentials as a professional in education.
6. Create/run an elementary school that uses highly effective and efficient curriculum, offers tons of professional development to teachers, and excels at significantly increasing the achievement of students with whom we work. The first school will most likely be in a high-needs area.
7. Create an initial partnership with a university in which teacher candidates can do field experiences at this school, be provided additional training and support, etc. This partnership would also include research of our implementation, students, and initial results. At this time, I would like to adjunct or teach at the university part-time so I can still have a positive effect on our future teachers.
8. Expand our school/program to a number of other schools in the district, or district-wide, depending on the size. At this time, I would like to be the director of the project, seeing that all schools, teachers, staff, parents, and community members are in line with the mission and working hard to see it through.
9. Expand the partnership with the university in which courses, experiences, and research surrounds preparing teacher candidates to be highly effective in the district project. My theory is that if we prepare our teachers to work in the toughest schools with the hardest students and families, they are prepared to work with any school or curriculum.
10. Go on the Oprah Winfrey Show because she seems to rule the world and can spread the word! :) (Okay, maybe not this one.)

Job satisfaction is a must! Surrounding myself with positive, ethical, hardworking individuals every step along the way will be critical. Positive energy, passion, and enthusiasm are highly contagious! Cynical or jaded individuals need not apply.


“Goals are dreams with deadlines.”-Diana Scharf Hunt

“The reason most people never reach their goals is that they don't define them, or ever seriously consider them as believable or achievable. Winners can tell you where they are going, what they plan to do along the way, and who will be sharing the adventure with them.”-Denis Watley

Spring Break for Doc Students

As we were packing up our stuff after class Thursday night, a classmate looked around to all of us and said, "These don't look like faces of people who are about to go on spring break." We all chuckled and almost simultaneously stated, "I have so much crap to do."

A professor earlier in the month was reviewing our calendar of assignment due dates and said, "Oh, that will be good to have it due after spring break. It will give you time to work on it." She laughs, "If you are a doc student and you have plans for spring break, this will probably be the last year you take that break."

The constant self-induced pressure that I always need to be working on school stuff is getting to me. I went away this weekend, but couldn't truly enjoy myself because I had the looming list of sh*t I have to get done. Even though I told myself that I was going to commit to spending time with friends, I woke up this morning with the sinking feeling in my stomach. I find myself overwhelmed with just the thought of trying to get started.

I am going to Iowa on Wednesday to meet my twin nephews born at the end of January and to spend time with family. But again, my to-do list overwhelms the excitement and joy that I should be feeling about getting to spend time with those I love most. I am pissed that, "I am going to lose two days of work just getting there and back," is taking the place of, "I can't wait to love on the babies and their big brother."

I was told once that you should make a list of things you consider most important to you, the top of the list being the most important. To capture what your true priorities are, you identify how much time you spend on each of those things. I am frustrated that mine are not matching up. VERY frustrated. Sure, you can tell me this is temporary, that this is what being a doctoral student is about, I should be thankful I don't have a family of my own right now, blah, blah, blah.

There is more to life than this program. I struggle with how to make that my reality.

Better get this posted so I can check it off the to-do list.

Tenure for New Teachers

The financial issues of our state (and country) are hitting our schools hard this year. School districts are being told they need to cut a significant portion of their budget. Since 70-80% of a school’s budget is personnel, tough decisions are going to be made. Teaching positions are going to be eliminated. How does a school decide who should stay and who should go? The short answer is those that have tenure stay; those on probation, because they are in their first three years of teaching, go. Last hired, first fired. But is this formula what’s best for our students? School administrators will openly admit that they are going to lose some great teachers because they need to keep those that are tenured.

The idea of tenure is a hot topic in education, both in K-12 education and higher education. Those in favor of tenure say it protects teachers as they demonstrate “innovation” in their teaching and classrooms. Those opposed, myself included, just think it protects bad teachers and promotes a sense of entitlement and laziness. Here’s my idea: tenure needs to be inverted, or switched. New teachers should be guaranteed tenure for the first three years of their teaching. After three years, everyone is on his own, proving his worth and value to a school and education system every single year.

The first three years of a teaching career (or any career) are absolutely critical. It is during this time that new teachers have the highest learning curve and truly decide if being a teacher is right for them. Schools put in an incredible amount of time, resources, and money training and supporting these teachers. First year teachers are coachable, highly motivated, and still have the unwavering passion and excitement for working with children. They join committees, redesign curriculum, take on the challenging students and tough situations, all in an attempt to stand above the rest, to “prove” themselves as dedicated teachers. With the pressure to perform so high in the first year, there is added pressure, especially today, that one’s hard work will not lead to a job the following year. Even more disheartening is when the first year teachers observe other “tenured” teachers not putting in the effort, time, or perceived commitment. Yet their jobs are safe? It would make anyone question whether schools are about the students or the teachers.

People often discuss different models in teacher preparation programs, some think it should be more like the medical school model where teachers go through a residency. If first year teachers were guaranteed a teaching position for three years (unless of course they are physically harming students, etc.), it would allow them to grasp a clear understanding and application of effective teaching methods, curriculum design, classroom management, and interpersonal skills. I’ve always told my teachers that if they are able to stay in the same school and same grade level for the first two years, they can be successful in any grade or school thereafter. They just need the time to experience the ins and outs of the profession. They will make the most of this time because they know once the three years is up, it is every man for himself. If they didn’t take advantage of every learning experience along the way, they will be replaced with someone who did.

For this to work, however, support must be in place in the forms of strong administration, coaching, and mentoring. Schools are going to have to create higher quality teacher evaluations.

What a strong message being sent to the first year teachers in models such as these. The schools are willing to invest the time and energy in helping the first year teachers be successful in the classroom, because it really is all about the students. There is plenty of research to support that the teacher plays a critical role in student learning. Schools need highly motivated, coachable, passionate teachers in their classrooms all the time. This does not change once a teacher has received tenure.

Preparing Teachers

My philosophy in teaching is that if a child fails to learn, a teacher has failed to teach. I don’t believe in excuses. I don’t listen to them. Everything has to do with the teacher. This is true if I am teaching a first grader or an undergraduate. I have put a lot of thought into my cognate lately and realize that if I am going to make a career of being a teacher educator, teacher education and first year teachers need to be the focus of my research. If I wanted to research how children read or how they feel, then I needed to continue as a classroom teacher. Here’s how I see it. If teacher educators’ research agendas helped create highly effective teacher education programs that trained highly effective teachers, then those highly effective teachers could go into classrooms and research what works with the children and their learning. This could take awhile, especially with the gloomy statistics being released regarding teacher education programs in our country. But I have been thinking about it a lot lately. I want to answer the age old question, “Why do new teachers say they learned nothing about teaching until their student teaching?” Something is missing.

If a child fails to learn, a teacher has failed to teach.

What are teacher preparation programs failing to teach pre-service teachers?

This is such a touchy subject because teacher preparation programs are full of professors, once classroom teachers, who pride themselves in the work they do. Being asked to change implies wrong doing, which is then taken personally, which leads to defensiveness. It is human nature.

But the current preparation programs are the perfect place to be unaccountable. Undergraduate students are naïve. They trust that what they are paying thousands of dollars a semester to hear and be trained in will work and prepare them to be highly effective classroom teachers. But what if what they hear isn’t training them to work with the diverse population of students they are about to have sitting in front of them? They don’t know this at the time. Only when those teacher candidates get their first classroom do they realize something may have been missing in their training. Even then, they may not say anything because “that’s the way it has always been.” School districts are left with the task of providing even more initial training of the first year teachers in the areas in which they struggle. They have to provide the professional development because they are accountable.

If a first year teacher is lucky enough to join a district that offers such professional development, they have a chance of outlasting the average new teacher. It seems most districts are spending the majority of their time working with new classroom teachers on classroom management. But universities don’t always require a course in classroom management.

If a child fails to learn, a teacher has failed to teach.

Passion, excitement, and a love for children will only take a novice teacher so far if unprepared. I, personally, think it is a very exciting time to be entering the field. But it is a different time. Our pre-service teachers need to be trained differently.

A teacher affects more than a single group of children. A quote clearly stating just how critical the job of a teacher is, and how even more critical my job is in preparing them for it:

“Your behavior as a teacher not only affects your students individually; it affects the quality of collective intellect and morality, and therefore the strength of our civilization.

Parents give their children to teachers--hoping, expecting, and paying teachers to educate their children. As a teacher you have a contract with children and families, your school and district, and society itself to fulfill your moral obligation to teach well. You and the citizens of [Colorado] are paying me to teach you how to teach other people’s children. Therefore, I have a contract with you and your family, the school and district that employ you, and society to fulfill my moral obligation to teach you well.”
--M. Kozloff, University of North Carolina, 2009

Tina the Transcriber

I had a “first” this week as a researcher. I had the pleasure of transcribing my first interview Wednesday night. Before relaying the experience, let me tell you what I thought about the idea prior to actually doing it.

I didn’t think much.

How hard could it be? I am a fast typer. I’m accurate. I have a good memory. I figured it would be a good reminder for me not to talk too much during the interview because I would only have to transcribe it later. (And as an interviewer I shouldn’t dominate the conversation.) I pictured myself being in the courtroom with my little computer just typing away all perky and cheerful.

So how did it go? To put it bluntly—I wanted to put a gun to my head within the first five minutes. It took me 30 minutes to transcribe the first three and half minutes of the interview! Are you [insert inappropriate word] kidding me?! I have almost two hours of interviews to transcribe! (Which is NOTHING compared to most qualitative studies that require voice recording and transcribing.) Remember in the last blog when I discussed the desire to do meaningful work? The way I see it, transcribing these interviews is twelve hours of my life I am never getting back.

I slowed the voices down to the point where we all sounded like we were drunk, which only made me want to be in that state of mind. Maybe it would have made the experience less painful and less scarring! :) All the time I had random thoughts coming to mind, “What if I had to hunt and peck for the keys?” “What if I don't find any themes—what a waste of time.” “How the h#&* did they do this without digital recorders?” “Thank God I only have five twenty-minute interviews.” “I’m never doing qualitative research!” “I feel sorry for the poor person who is “lucky” enough to have to transcribe my 100 mile an hour rate of speaking someday.” Every once and awhile I had to listen to the interviews in normal speed just to make sure I didn’t sound like the idiot I am hearing at 50% speed. Do you know how annoying my laugh is in slow speed? (I know some of you are thinking it is annoying at normal speed, so what would be the difference! :))

I even had moments of deliriousness when I thought my next project should be to drink to the point of slurring my speech, voice record a conversation, then transcribe it at a slow speed. How would drunk sounding drunk sound? (Are you following me?) Fascinating research, no? I’m always told my research should connect to my interests! See what I mean? The thought of mixing what brings me great pleasure with the current bane of my existence? Delirious!

I transcribed my first interview Wednesday night. For the next two days, I literally had to psych myself into doing the next two interviews. I completed them last night—three hours of my life wasted. I am getting quicker. I was that locomotive charging up the mountainside at full speed, only one thing on my mind—getter done. And now I am questioning whether I have the mental or physical capacity to finish the last two interviews today. My fingers hurt. My back aches. And I hate looking down at the clock upon completion and realizing I just wasted another two hours of my life. But then I think about it like a band-aid—just rip it off—there is less pain.

I know people pay others to do it, but why would I want to pass such torture onto another human being? Maybe we could make it into punishment of some kind. Dang—I knew I should have had kids at a younger age. :)

But being the person I am, I always look for the value or lesson in the experience. Believe it or not, I found one. For all of those who know and love me: if ever you want me to be quiet, tell me the conversation is being taped and that I am going to have to transcribe it.

I can’t think of anything that will shut me up more quickly.

Work Worth Doing

I miss being a classroom teacher. Let me rephrase that—I miss seeing how the work I do directly impacts those around me in positive, meaningful ways. I absolutely love teaching the undergraduate students because of this. I can see and feel the positive difference I am having in their lives. But that is only three hours per week. What I struggle with is the amount of time I spend on “research.” Sitting in front of a computer looking for research, typing papers, and completing assignments does not fit my definition of being a productive, contributing member of society. It is not simply because I don’t like it. Instead, I sit there and think, “Do you know how many children I could be helping learn how to read in the six hours I was studying? Do you know how many teachers I could be helping craft their skills, but instead I am staring at a screen full of data trying to make sense of it?”

A few casual statements made by professors the past few weeks have also made me think about where I want this degree to take me upon graduation.

For example, after discussing an article where the researcher did his 20 plus years of research at a particular treatment facility, the professor adds, “It’s really neat if you can tie your research directly to an organization of some type. As researchers we would like to think or hope that the work we do and the papers we publish are making a difference, but you never know. When you work with an organization, you at least know you are making a difference in their lives.” We would like to “hope”? Right now, I am not happy with the “hope.” I need results—plain and simple. If it is not having a direct impact, I am not interested. There is too much real work to be done to settle for a “hope.”

Another professor reflected on how people in higher education tend to go about their research, “Instead of going into a school and asking the teachers what problems they have that they would like for us to research and help them with, we go in and present a problem we are interested in researching and hope that what we do turns into something.” This is so backwards in my mind! And I do think this is the case, maybe not for all, but for most. How many times do you hear people say, “When was the last time a professor stepped foot into a classroom/the real world?” I always tell my students that asking what is in the best interest of the teacher is an irrelevant question. What is in the best interest of the teacher should be what is in the best interest of the students. In the same respect, what needs to be interesting to those that research education needs to be the problems teachers are having in the classroom. Maybe this is why it is so hard for me to express my interests in research topics—I believe my interests as a researcher need to come from the problems people around me need help fixing. It has nothing to do, in essence, with my personal goals or interests. My goal is to directly help those around me. My interests are in using my knowledge, experiences, and work ethic to help teachers be better teachers so they can help students be better learners.

In 1995, Hart and Risley reflected on the research they had done and gave huge accolades to their mentor who taught them to “look directly at the world in order to learn how it really works and to concern ourselves with trying to solve the real problems of real people.”

This is the researcher I want to be. I am going to publish articles I feel are worth publishing. I am going to present on topics I feel are worth presenting. I am going to get my cognate in one worth getting. I will affiliate myself with organizations worthy of my affiliation. Not because a vitae needs to be filled with gold stars. Not because it will make me more marketable. Not because it will get me closer to a tenured position. Will this be frowned upon by some? To organizations with whom I am not a good fit, yes. But to those that “get” me, “get” my thinking, and “get” my drive and motivation—they would expect nothing less.

There is not a doubt in my mind that I am going to be a GREAT fit for an organization or university someday.

The "I Hate Writing" Club

I am not a fan of writing right now. I think “liking” to do something comes from confidence in being able to do that something well. Practice and application increase competence, competence increases confidence, confidence determines whether one likes something or not. Generally speaking, we (I) tend to not like doing things I don’t see myself being good at. This is how I feel about writing at the doctoral level (and writing in general). I have not had enough practice, therefore feel incompetent. Because I feel I do not have the skills and ability to write at this level, I do not have confidence in producing quality writing; therefore I do not like it. Because I don’t like it, I avoid practicing (because you can’t tell me what to do :)), therefore I never get better. (How’s that for making a full circle?!) Also, because I have perfectionistic tendencies, I don’t like letting people watch me struggle along the way. Why can’t I just be good at everything?

I remember always telling my students that if they knew everything they wouldn’t be in my class. I am here to help them learn and master the things with which they struggle. I am great at giving advice and coaching others, but suck at taking my own. Yet now that I think about it, I was their safe place to fall—they trusted me completely. I don’t have that. Crap.

I am fantastic at talking—communicating orally. Why can’t I just give all my assignments and the dissertation as a PowerPoint? I can say it so much better than I can write it. I was a fantastic teacher after all—I can make ANY topic sound fascinating!

One of my main struggles in writing is trying to convey the feeling or tone with which I hear myself speaking to the readers. To me, scholarly writing is stuffy and lacks personality. How the heck do I make 20 pages, let alone a dissertation, sound interesting? I keep having to tell myself, “Good writing is meaningful writing.”

I even struggle with this blog! This is where I am suppose to express my thoughts and feelings as a doctoral student. Anyone who really knows me knows that my “feelings” are expressed through humor. I read the other blogs that are written so profoundly and think, “Should I be trying this?” Let’s remember, I struggle with writing scholarly and I struggle with talking about my feelings to complete strangers. Now you want me to put the two of them together?! (I laugh just thinking about it!) Sorry, Dudes. Anything profound that comes from this blog will be in the form of me making a joke about something. Be right back… I just Googled “profound thoughts.” Here are a few, so that I have met my quota for this blog:

• The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
• It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
• Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
• Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
• If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
• Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away - and you have their shoes.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
• Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
• If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
• Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.


The world is full of “necessary evils.” Scholarly writing is one I am going to have to face if I am to survive this program. Guess I’ll just start taking my own advice and, “Fake it ‘til I make it.”

I’ll try to be a bit more scholarly in my next post. Try.

A Passion is Born

As I begin to think about how my passion for teaching, Direct Instruction, and effective and efficient curriculum and teaching methods began, I picture Maria sitting with the Von Trapp children beginning to sing, “Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start.”

This is the story of how my passion was born.

I went to college knowing that I was going to be a teacher. I did well in all my classes, but quickly learned that most required little effort and that if I jumped through the hoops, a passive recipient of knowledge, I would pass with flying colors. As I neared the end of my junior year, my grades would have told anyone I was well on my way to becoming an effective teacher. But I wasn’t convinced. How could I be considered for a teaching position when nothing I had been “learning” in my program prepared me for the classroom? I didn’t know the first step in teaching a child to read. I didn’t know the first step in how to teach a child much of anything, nor the curriculum I should be using. I was taught that learning should be made fun and that I should want to be able to create my own curriculum because I was the “expert.” I was in no way ready for such responsibility.

I spent the summer before my senior year as a director of a summer youth program in South Korea. I loved every minute of it and realized that THIS was what my degree had been preparing me for—having a lot of fun with children and if something was learned a long the way, that was a bonus.

I returned to school in the fall, committed to finishing my degree in education, but taking additional classes that would prepare me for a career in youth and leisure services. That fall I took Dr. Berg’s, Schools in American Society class. He was unlike any professor in education I had had. His approach to teaching the class was, “If it is worth believing, it is worth questioning,” and we spent the semester unraveling everything we had been (for lack of a better word) brainwashed to believe with regards to education. He did not tell us directly, but made us come to our own conclusions through the assignments and readings.

Half way through the semester, he introduced the idea of a solid, specific, sequential curriculum. The entire class was in shock—such a common sense idea, yet none of us thought of its value before. He told us that if we were interested, we should go to the Core Knowledge website and do a little exploring. I was intrigued and visited the website later that week. I clicked on the “Core Knowledge Schools” link and realized there was a school in the town in which I was hoping to do my student teaching that used Core Knowledge. I set up a time to visit the school over Christmas break.

I went to the elementary school, excited to see Core Knowledge in action. What I saw in addition I can only explain as “guilty pleasure.” Besides the use of the Core Knowledge curriculum, the teachers were presenting in a fast-paced, teacher-directed, unison oral responding, highly engaging manner. I had no idea what it was. All I knew was that I LOVED it, even though every fiber of my training told me I shouldn’t—such a method was boring, highly ineffective, and down right wrong. I was intrigued and became instantly aware that the teacher training I had received had serious holes.

I met with Dr. Berg when I returned for the spring semester, telling him what I saw at the school, and how I was still planning to go into youth and leisure services. He quickly said, “I am not going to let you throw your life away.” We set up an independent study for the semester in which I would investigate the “guilty pleasure” I witnessed. I spent the entire semester researching Direct Instruction—its history, research, philosophy, and myths. I was in contact with all the big names and read anything I could get my hands on—all the while, “if it’s worth believing, it’s worth questioning,” running through my mind. I was sold! I arranged to do part of my student teaching at the elementary school I visited in the fall.

My student teaching experience at the school was a dream come true. Everything I learned the semester prior was put into practice and I was teaching—truly teaching! No thanks to the teacher education program my university is so famously known for—but a huge thanks to a professor who taught his students to think outside the box.

Passion comes to people (if at all) in many different ways. Maybe it’s a person, maybe it’s a class, maybe it’s an experience or event. All I know is that passion and genuine excitement are contagious. As a teacher, I shared this with my students everyday in the things I taught them. Their interest in the subjects grew from my passion for teaching them those subjects. It took about two days of me teaching history for them to decide it was their new favorite subject (along with reading, writing, math, grammar, literature, and spelling!)

If you love what you do, it will be apparent to those around you. Loving what you do will make all the difference.

Being Broke

So I have been asked to blog about my experiences being a doctoral student. Be careful what you wish for—getting into my mind is not for the faint of heart! :)

What’s been on my mind regarding being a student lately? The fact that I hate being broke! I remember a mentor of mine during my undergraduate degree telling me not to put off graduate work too long--how it is hard for people to commit to it full-time once they have an “established” life-style. Of course me being me, thought I would never fall into that category. I am a frugal person—I save, spend wisely, and am able to maintain my non-extravagant, teacher paying, tutoring on-the-side life-style. Little did I know how “established” I actually was!

Am I broke according the true definition? Of course not. But do I miss not being able to walk into a Target or Ross and buy whatever I want (within reason) and not have a complex about it? You better believe it! Take last night, for example. I went to Target to buy the typical household and personal necessities. I had a list and was determined to stick to it. In my previous life, I would have had an idea of what I wanted and would have had no problem buying extras because, “I’ve worked hard and deserve it.” I found a shirt (not on the list) and wanted it sooooo bad! It was on clearance. It was black. It was cute. I pictured myself wearing it to a number of different events. The old me would not have hesitated. I want the shirt. I need the shirt. I put it in my cart, but debated on whether to buy it for rest of the time I was in the store.

I got my 401K/money market/investment statements in the mail yesterday. I want nothing more than to put 15% of my monthly teacher pay into it every month. This is the best time to be investing! Returns on investments are going to be HUGE in the years to come. Can you say, "Early retirement?" Man, I wish I had an extra $600 a month!

I want to pay off what’s left of my looming education loans from my undergrad and masters. It isn’t much, but I had the ball rolling prior to deciding to leave my “established” life-style for this one of uncertainty.

I want to travel! I used to save money every month just to feed this addiction, telling myself it was my “new car fund.” I spent two weeks in the Greek Islands last summer, thinking it would keep me satisfied for the next few years. Nope—that lasted about a week! I as looking at travel brochures over the weekend, trying to figure out a way I could end up on THAT beach THIS summer.

I want to be social—snowboard, drink, dinners, weekend get-aways—all things that require the almighty dollar. I am the poster child for, “drinks on me.” Sure, will having to adjust, “make me a better person,” “teach me valuable lessons,” and “make me appreciate what I have?” Blah. Blah. Blah. “Yes, Mom. It will.”

I work hard. I play hard. I just wish the working hard part of what I am doing now allowed me to play just as hard.

Dave Ramsey (financial guru) always says, “Live like nobody else today, so you can live like nobody else later.” There better be a later for me, Dave! :)

P.S. I bought the shirt.

My Mantra

Hesitation. As I sit in front of the computer trying to put this blog together, I find myself hesitating. Though I am a fan of being a reflective person, I am not a fan of putting my thought process out there for the world to see, critique, or judge. We’ll see where this goes.

In my masters’ program a few years ago, I had a very spirit-filled professor for a number of leadership classes. How spirit-filled? She spent one class having us all figure out our “number” and then told us our fortune based on it. Creepy, but there wasn’t a single person in the class that didn’t agree with the fortune she spoke of. Anyway, she was passionate about getting us to figure out who we were as people and leaders, and made us do some out-of-the-ordinary activities to get there. For one activity, she made us come up with our personal mantra—a sound, syllable, word, or group of words that are considered capable of “creating transformation” or “spiritual transformation.” She gave us a number of questions to guide us in the process, but assured us that it wouldn’t be hard; it would just come to us. So I spent the week going through the guiding questions, trying to force it, and coming up with nothing. I arrived in class Monday night with something that would do, but knew it wasn’t the mantra she wanted me to find. We went around the circle, saying our mantras and how they represented who we were. (I only remember one other person’s. He said his came to him when he walked into Starbucks earlier in the week: Espresso—strong and to the point. It described him perfectly!)

The circle continued to come my way, and right before I am asked to share, mine hits me. “A work in progress.” When I said it, my professor told me to keep working on it in the weeks to come. I had to clarify that that was my mantra, “I am a work in progress.” I claim to know a little bit about a lot of things, but seem to be a master of nothing. Though I appear (and often joke) to many as being a robot incapable of having feelings, I love learning and bettering myself as a person, friend, sister, daughter, teacher, employee, and citizen. Whenever one of my short-comings were made public, I simply looked at the person and said, “What can I say? I am a work in progress.” Does it mean that I shy away from responsibility? Absolutely not. Being a work in progress helps me give myself permission that I don’t need to have everything figured out, perfection doesn’t exist, and that real growth in any area takes time, energy, and a lot of hard, sometimes uncomfortable, work.

So as I enter my second semester of the doctoral program and am asked to blog about my “feelings,” my spirit-filled professor enters my mind and my mantra has surfaced once again (though it never really goes away)—this time as the title of my blog.