As we were packing up our stuff after class Thursday night, a classmate looked around to all of us and said, "These don't look like faces of people who are about to go on spring break." We all chuckled and almost simultaneously stated, "I have so much crap to do."
A professor earlier in the month was reviewing our calendar of assignment due dates and said, "Oh, that will be good to have it due after spring break. It will give you time to work on it." She laughs, "If you are a doc student and you have plans for spring break, this will probably be the last year you take that break."
The constant self-induced pressure that I always need to be working on school stuff is getting to me. I went away this weekend, but couldn't truly enjoy myself because I had the looming list of sh*t I have to get done. Even though I told myself that I was going to commit to spending time with friends, I woke up this morning with the sinking feeling in my stomach. I find myself overwhelmed with just the thought of trying to get started.
I am going to Iowa on Wednesday to meet my twin nephews born at the end of January and to spend time with family. But again, my to-do list overwhelms the excitement and joy that I should be feeling about getting to spend time with those I love most. I am pissed that, "I am going to lose two days of work just getting there and back," is taking the place of, "I can't wait to love on the babies and their big brother."
I was told once that you should make a list of things you consider most important to you, the top of the list being the most important. To capture what your true priorities are, you identify how much time you spend on each of those things. I am frustrated that mine are not matching up. VERY frustrated. Sure, you can tell me this is temporary, that this is what being a doctoral student is about, I should be thankful I don't have a family of my own right now, blah, blah, blah.
There is more to life than this program. I struggle with how to make that my reality.
Better get this posted so I can check it off the to-do list.
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I hear ya, Tina. Actually, I had a professor tell me that this is NOT temporary. You go from a doc-student to-do list to a professor to-do list. Things will never let up. This is the world of acadamia. So, since the world won't change, you have to. If you don't like the way things feel to you, do whatever you have to to make changes! What do you have to lose? Maybe you would have to take longer to finish the program. If you get to enjoy your life more, seems like it might be worth it. It is not easy. It is ongoing. But the learning is in the journey, not the destination. Take your time getting where ever you are going, and do whatever you have to not to lose yourself in the process. Choose the life you want to have, and start living it today. Easier said than done, but so worth striving for.
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